Artwork - 8/18/2015

I was getting ready to go to the for King & Country show and was thinking about their song "Shoulders".  I was prompted to draw it and give it to one of the radio station people. That resulted in some serious awesomeness!!!! I am so thankful for the prompting and that I chose to listen. 

This drawing came to me while I was looking at art supplies. It didn't photograph well, but there is subtle shading from the outside in. I didn't realize until afterwards just how depressing it is. 

I drew this at work during a cluster headache attack. One of my bosses saw the drawing and asked why I drew something scary. I explained to her it's how I'm feeling. CH attacks are scary things to go through.  

A painting of a picture that popped into my head. One wing is burned and all the feathers are gone, the other is broken. 

It's supposed to be a painting of a CH attack. The red and purple are supposed to be spikes coming out from behind the eye pushing it forward and causing pain. 

This was the first painting I've done in a while. It is how I was feeling. The burdens too much to bear cause the girl to come tumbling to the ground. Christ is depicted as offering her a hand up, but she's scared and unsure.  

He Makes Me More - 8/12/13

I may not have straight teeth

Or the prettiest smile

The peace and joy He gives

Shines through when I smile

I may not be skinny

Or the best physique

I have some of His fire

Burning within me

I may have trouble 

Forgiving myself

I am highly forgiving of others

I know He's forgiven me

I may seem like I can handle 

Anything and everything

I'm learning from Him

I need to ask for help

I may have mental issues

Emotional problems

I'm learning from Him

More compassion for those who also do

I may seem introverted 

Not liking big groups

Get me in a small group of 1 to 3

I'm an open book relatively

I may seem very serious

Or depressed

I laugh very easily and am

Quite goofy

I may seem very quiet

Like I never talk

I love to share my testimony

One on few very talkative

I may be stubborn

Not really following along

I do follow Him and 

Do what i'm prompted to

Every where

I lack or think I do

He makes it up

Makes me more

I have trouble with confidence

Writing this hasn't been easy

It became easier to see

How much He has blessed me

He told me I'm like a

Diamond in the rough

Once you get past 

All the walls I put up

Smooth out

Refine

Inside i'm burning bright

Waiting to shine

He makes me more

More than 

I ever

Could be before

He makes up 

For where I lack

Puts in the good

Takes out the bad

I'm learning

To see and be

How He sees me

Who I could be

I'm learning 

I can be better

Than who I was

Could have been

I'm starting to accept

I can be a queen

A royal daughter

Of our Heavenly King. 

I hope with this

If you have personal issues

Confidence issues

Like me

That you can learn to see

How blessed you are

That He can make you more

Than you've ever dreamed. 

Conflicted - 8/12/13

I don't want to leave
I don't want to go
I have to
I need to
I don't want to

I want to stay here
I want to stay put
I can't
I won't
I want to

Staying in this pew
Staying in this meeting
Staying in this building
Is where I should be
I can't

I feel awkward
I feel cold
I feel like I don't belong
In this ward
I do

Work is calling me
I have to leave
I need to leave
I can't be late
I must go

Taking part of the sacrament
Is almost through
I need to leave for work soon
Sat in the back
Preparing

Its never been this hard before
To get up and
Walk out that door
Different reasons the
Other times

I feel pulled to stay
This is where I should be
I feel pulled to go
There is where I have to be
I'm being pulled in two

My heart aches
Wipe tears from my face
As I get in my car
Buckle in
Turn it on

Driving on the freeway
I feel like screaming
I feel like I disobeyed
I feel like turning around
Going back

I feel the Spirit come over me
Trying to comfort
Trying to calm
Trying to soothe my heart
I need to let Him in

Tells me I did as prompted
I talked to my boss
About going to church first
Before working
If I must work Sundays

She was nice
Let me go to church first
Now I need to
Follow up on my end
I have to

Tells me He gave me this job
It will be hard
It will be challenging
It may not seem fair
I won't always have to work Sundays

Pulling into the parking lot
I do my best
To pull myself together
Determined to give it my all
Despite this

I know He'll be with me
I know He'll be near
I know He can always hear
When I am joyous and
When I am conflicted.

Haunting Memories - 5/16/13

Sitting on my computer
Doing nothing in particular
Trying to block out
My noisy mind

The buzzing
buzzing
The pounding
pounding

My mind won't let me forget
As it flashes through everything
Memories of things I've done
Memories of who I was

It just won't let go
Of who I was
Over 2 years before
I changed

I've repented
Of what I knew about
2 years for 2 years
I've paid.

I've been forgiven
HE doesn't hold it against me
I thought I forgave myself
It just won't leave

I'm not who I was
I've changed
I'm different
I'm new

I would never
Not in a million years
Not for millions of dollars
Repeat that past

Those same mistakes
From when I was so young
So naive
So clueless

I had no idea
Of what I was putting myself through
I had no idea
Of the damage I was doing

I keep reminding myself
I'm not who I was
As more awful memories
Come pushing forward

I wish I knew why
My mind is doing this
It makes me feel awful
Ugly and low

Like all of the progress
I've made
Doesn't really matter
In the end

I know that's not true
Its so hard to fight it
I'm so drained from it
I want it to go away

Must I fight these demons?
Can't they just go away?
Is it the Adversary attacking?
Or something I must do?

Is there a lesson?
Something I must learn?
Is there a purpose to these?
Other than to torture?

I can't shove them away
Pretend they aren't there
The memories shove in front
Making me remember

I don't know what to do
These words came to me
To put in a poem
So that's what I'm up to

Hoping it offers relief
Of some sort
Any sort
In case its a prompting

I'm going to pray
See if these can go away
Find out what to do
So they don't stay

The last thing I need
On top of everything
Is to be filled with these
Haunting memories.

Fitting In - 3/3/2013

I've never been able
To fit in
I've always been
A little bit different

Not quite sure why
Not quite sure how
Always been
A few degrees off

Its always
Bugged me
Always wanted
To fit in

The way I see things
Is different
The way I feel things
Is different

Its been suggested
That I'm anti-social
That I'm socially inept
But its not that

I'm very black and white
While most are gray
I'm very yes and no
While most are maybe

Something is right or wrong
Not both
Something is OK or not
Not both

In a crowd
I don't fit in
Amongst my friends
I don't fit in

Self-esteem has always
Been a real struggle
I looked for justification
From others

It hit me
Every time I say
I'm not good enough
I'm not pretty enough

I'm calling God
A liar
He doesn't
Make mistakes

He makes us all
Different
No two of us
Are the same

Its our differences
That make us special
Its our differences
That make us unique

Its our differences
That make us beautiful
Its our differences
That make us, us

I think self-esteem
Needing acceptance
Most of us
Struggle with

Before we can truly
Love someone else
We need
To love ourselves

Before someone else
Can accept us
We need
To accept ourselves

Self-esteem may
Continue to be a struggle
I'm improving upon
It gradually

I know that
I am a daughter of God
I know that
He loves me

I know that
I will be
Who He intends
For me to be

Remember
You are a
Son or daughter
Of Almighty God

Even if you don't
Yet love yourself
Remember
He loves you

With faith and patience
He'll help us through
We'll be who we're
Meant to be

We were never
Meant to fit in
We are meant
To stand out

Embrace the things
That make you, you
They make up
Your identity

I'll continue
To be me
Differences and
Everything

I'll continue
To strive
To be who He
Wants me to be

I hope
That you
Can do
The same

I know that
As long as we
Continue on
Our path

No matter how
Different
Unique
Special

With building
Faith
Patience
Trust

We will always
Have His love
With that we can't
Go wrong.

Swingset Memories - 6/12/12

this is a poem I wrote back in June. I wasn't sure about posting it but I've revised it and now I feel more comfortable.

On the swingset
In the corner of the park
I am transported to a
Different place

To when I was a child
Swinging back and forth
In the living room
Trying to touch the ceiling

To when I was in elementary school
Swinging back and forth
Every recess
With my back to the playground

To when I was in the backyard
At the house where I grew up
Swinging back and forth
Playing with imaginary friends

Back to where I am
Taking in my surroundings
The silence of no one around me
The vast green fields
Large beautiful trees bordering

I close my eyes
Leaning back
Swinging back and forth
A gentle breeze encircling

I am transported
To a different place
The same but different
Beyond what we see

The sky is blue and cloudless
The air smells sweet
The green of the grass
The trees are greener

I see many people
Dressed in white
Tears and laughter
As families reunite

Coming through the trees
I see a light
I realize that
Its a man

Walking amongst the people
Welcoming, smiling
Shining brighter
Than the sun


I wish to run to them
But am held back
Swinging back and forth
In awe of what I see


I feel happiness
I feel tears
I feel joy
I feel peace


I blink
I am back
On the swingset
In the corner of the park

The Hardest Part - 7/13/12

Sometimes the hardest part is letting go
Letting go of problems
Letting go of control

Sometimes the hardest part is not knowing
Not knowing what's going to happen
Not knowing what to do

Sometimes the hardest part is waiting
Waiting for results
Waiting for the next move

Sometimes the hardest part is advice
Advice to hang in there
Advice to be patient

Sometimes the hardest part is admitting
Admitting you can't do it alone
Admitting its too much for you

Sometimes the hardest part is not worrying
Not worrying about the outcome
Not worrying about situations

Sometimes the hardest part is praying
Praying for help
Praying for answers

Sometimes the hardest part is to fall
To fall into the Father's hands
To fall into the Son's arms

If we allow ourselves
To fall on our knees
To pray to our Father in Heaven
Admit we can't do it alone

Ask for help
Be willing to wait
For answers
For the outcome

Give it up
In His hands
Accept Their mercy
Accept Their love

Then what seemed like
The hardest part
Isn't really
Hard at all